my enemy, my friend

I have issues with food. You see, I reallly like most of it (red meat is disgusting, but otherwise, yum). I like to cook, bake, and eat it. My metabolism is not o.k. with this sort of behavior. Apparently it's all sorts of lazy, so I diet. When I diet, I am serious about it. I am a nut, and then I slip, because that's what you do after a while on insanely strict diets. And all I want to eat are white, homemade rolls with mounds of melting butter and chocolate. And so I do. I can't seem to find the middle ground. You know, where you are just super aware of what you eat and occasionally, have a small treat. My all-or-none attitude apparently extends even to my eating habits. I want to view food as fuel for my healthy, strong body. Even as an experience, occasionally, but never, ever as comfort or security. I know that I am better than most. I rarely buy processed food (except chocolate) and I cook from scratch most days. We eat fruits and vegetables and take vitamins every day. But sometimes I wish I didn't have to count every single calorie that I even thought about eating. I wish 10 hours a week at the gym was enough. I wish I had a violent allergy to all white food. Perhaps, I'll try that twinkie diet. I could probably stick to that one.

the roof over our heads- thankful

This house needs 18, count them, 18, new windows. The heating and air conditioning systems are original to the house and will have to be replaced sometime in the next three years. The chimney flashing has a new leak which adds two more rooms to the tally of rooms that need the ceiling repainted. It's completely inefficient to heat or cool and both the kitchen and the bathrooms need some updating.

But I love it here. I love the views out of the southern windows. Fields of perfect snow in January, flawless golf course grass and hills in the summer. I love the sun streaming in my uncovered windows in the morning and watching it set over the window herb garden at night. I love the high ceilings and two-sided fireplaces. I love the flowers in the gardens and the creek for catching frogs and bugs. I love the way the kids' laughter reverberates through out the whole house.

I am so very grateful to be able to come home to somewhere that makes me smile, to have a strong roof over our heads and room to stretch out inside. This is our second house, in our first house we never got around to hanging many pictures and there were rooms that we never got around to using. This house really feels like home.

for health and strength- thankful

My white blood cell count has been low for a while. They are doing lots of blood tests to find out why. For a while I was worried but I'm not anymore. See, the Doc already confirmed that I do not have leukemia or any of the other terrible things I found on the very helpful Mayo clinic website. I feel a little icky lately but that's it.What ever is causing these strange test results is minor. I am healthy.

I run lots of miles every week with no ill affects, my legs are strong and flexible, my lungs able to bear the strain, craving the challenge. My eyes see near and far with no aid at all. I hear clearly and distinctly. My skin is clear and unmarred by anything more serious than a faint wrinkle or freckle. I have had the amazing experience of both carrying and bearing two children with no incident. Every part of my body works perfectly and I usually take it for granted. I get all out of joint when I get a sinus infection or my glands are a little swollen. What a miracle that all these complex systems should work so well, that there should be no mistakes, no missing parts, no deficiencies. No terrible accident or illness has robbed me of any of these things. How did I get so lucky, so blessed? I am even more humbled when I see that same perfection in my little ones, terrified at the same time. I don't deserve it any more than anyone else does. Anymore than anyone deserves infertility, diseases, both mild and unimaginably awful, terrible accidents or small mistakes in a genetic code that change everything. Perhaps if I don't appreciate it, don't really make the most of it, it will taken away. Maybe someday something will happen that will change everything no matter what I do today. 

I don't want to waste it, don't want to miss out on it while I have the chance to really experience it all, just in case.

flowers who are confused- thankful

For the last several days there has been a peony sitting in a vase on the windowsill, just today she has finally faded. She was not aware that it is November. Her entire family of plants outside continue to bloom, even her purple cousins in the front yard. The roses recovered nicely from their early frosts and have buds preparing to open as I write. The marigolds are blissfully unaware of the fact that they probably should have given up the ghost a month ago, even the impatiens are still going strong in a few places. Bless them for not knowing that it is fall, time for them to drop their leaves and fall asleep for the winter. Bless them for making autumn even more beautiful than usual.

working it out- thankful

Today I ran 8 miles. It was supposed to be 12 but last week when I was supposed to run 10 I was feeling icky and only ran 8. Then Ty worked crazy hours and Johnny had surgery (ear tubes and adenoids, no biggie) and I had lots of orders and I still felt icky so I didn't get to run all week. I missed it. Desperately. I need the release, the challenge, the all-by-myself. Today I still feel slightly icky but I ran anyway and I am so glad. There are not many things better than the last mile of any run, be it 8 or 28 miles. I love the feeling of my heart and lungs and legs really working. I love the satisfaction that comes with having finished and cut minutes off my time. Love that I am strong and able. Love it all.

why i got of bed this morning- thankful #1

I just finished explaining to Tommy that he needs to drink milk in the morning so that his bones will be strong. I then popped my calcium supplement and chased it with this sweet nectar. I go through phases when it comes to my Diet Coke, sometimes I swear it off entirely but sometimes I really just don't want to go through the morning (or afternoon) without it.

strong

This morning I went running. When I dressed for the day I wore unnecessarily fancy shoes. On the way to my appointment I listened to my favorite girl rock and sang along at the top of my voice. These are all things that make me feel strong. None of them made the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away. My doctor came in and said that they were pretty sure the lump was benign, that it was a sort of scar tissue that occasionally forms a lump and that, just to be safe, she would recommend we remove it. I had planned on this, I wanted it. I want that thing out of my body, benign or not. But all this relatively good news didn't make the sick feeling go away. I called Ty to let him know and the prospect of this minor, outpatient surgery had his voice cracking on the phone. I thought when they told me that everything was fine I would go back to feeling fine, too. I still feel frail and vulnerable. I want to go back to that place where I was sure that bad things only happened to other people. I am safe for today and immeasurably grateful for that fact, but I miss my illusions. Nobody is safe for ever and life doesn't usually last as long as we wish it would and we all have so much to lose. How do we grab on to what we have? How do I not miss out on what ever time I have whether it be a day or fifty years. How do I make sure that I don't miss anything? How do I get back to feeling strong?

shoes can fix anything

I know I am getting a bit gushy lately and today will not be any better, sorry, I'll work on it. So , everyone knows that about four weeks ago I decided to take up running- lots of naysaying and whatnot on my part. I began, as planned, but surprisingly, I loved it. I did get a "runners' high" and I was completely addicted. After my first 4-mile run I found that my toes were numb. This was, of course, unacceptable. I decided to switch from my old, but fancy running shoes to my cheap cross trainers for a few days until I could get to the running store to get properly fitted shoes. Big mistake. After my next run my knees were quite sore but I was assured by all my runner friends that it was normal and would go away shortly. I went running again the next day. It hurt a lot. Being the tough runner athlete-type that I now considered myself to be I ran through it, most of the way. I was forced to walk the last 1/4 mile because I was limping to badly to maintain any sort of pace or rhythm. I spent the next two weeks walking like an 80-year-old woman with severs arthritis. Running was definitely out, even walking up the stairs was a feat. My three story house was not kept up to it's usual level, I simply couldn't take all the stairs. My friend Dr. Amanda looked the injury and prescribed proper medication and physical therapy. I went to running store where they took one look at me and knew what I had done wrong. They sent me home with new fancy running shoes with the promise that it would get better. By the beginning of the second week I was starting to wonder if I would ever walk normally again , let alone run. (I know, impatient, over-dramatic) Two weeks to the day after my fateful "run through the pain" day, I tried again. My new shoes are magic and my knees actually felt better after my run than they did before. I have run almost every day since and I still love it. I am so grateful for a body that does what I ask of it almost all of the time, that heals quickly and adjusts to my randomness, that is strong enough to tote my kids around and to do things that are hard, just because I want to challenge myself. I am grateful to walk, and especially to run.