Wednesday, July 9, 2008

strong


This morning I went running. When I dressed for the day I wore unnecessarily fancy shoes. On the way to my appointment I listened to my favorite girl rock and sang along at the top of my voice. These are all things that make me feel strong. None of them made the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away. My doctor came in and said that they were pretty sure the lump was benign, that it was a sort of scar tissue that occasionally forms a lump and that, just to be safe, she would recommend we remove it. I had planned on this, I wanted it. I want that thing out of my body, benign or not. But all this relatively good news didn't make the sick feeling go away. I called Ty to let him know and the prospect of this minor, outpatient surgery had his voice cracking on the phone. I thought when they told me that everything was fine I would go back to feeling fine, too. I still feel frail and vulnerable. I want to go back to that place where I was sure that bad things only happened to other people. I am safe for today and immeasurably grateful for that fact, but I miss my illusions. Nobody is safe for ever and life doesn't usually last as long as we wish it would and we all have so much to lose. How do we grab on to what we have? How do I not miss out on what ever time I have whether it be a day or fifty years. How do I make sure that I don't miss anything? How do I get back to feeling strong?

9 comments:

Carrie said...

Like with most things...time. And I will be here to make sure you get there!

Regi said...

I don't have any profound wisdom to pass along. I can only tell you that I love you. You are in our prayers.

erin said...

I am so happy it was benign. I love you and you are still in my prayers.

Adri said...

So glad for the good news. Keep hugging your boys.

Nate, Di, and Chase.... said...

I am so happy to hear the news looks promising. We love you, and we are thinking of you!

Julie said...

This is actually the definition of a strong woman! Running, fancy shoes, singing out loud, helping your husband cope with the health of his wife, and sharing your fears with friends! I can't think of anything else that better defines a STRONG woman!

Dena said...

What a fantastic picture of you!

Love, Mom

Linn said...

You are doing it Angie! I think something like this is obviously profound enough to throw us for a loop for a while--a long while. You are doing everything right. I am so grateful for the news. We will definitely keep you in our prayers.

Amber said...

I hadn't read your blog in a while and now I am so sorry. I had no idea. Really glad everything is alright for now. On a somewhat flippant note - I kind of wish I had enough breast tissue to even develop something questionable. Ah well, padded bras for life.