This morning I went running. When I dressed for the day I wore unnecessarily fancy shoes. On the way to my appointment I listened to my favorite girl rock and sang along at the top of my voice. These are all things that make me feel strong. None of them made the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach go away. My doctor came in and said that they were pretty sure the lump was benign, that it was a sort of scar tissue that occasionally forms a lump and that, just to be safe, she would recommend we remove it. I had planned on this, I wanted it. I want that thing out of my body, benign or not. But all this relatively good news didn't make the sick feeling go away. I called Ty to let him know and the prospect of this minor, outpatient surgery had his voice cracking on the phone. I thought when they told me that everything was fine I would go back to feeling fine, too. I still feel frail and vulnerable. I want to go back to that place where I was sure that bad things only happened to other people. I am safe for today and immeasurably grateful for that fact, but I miss my illusions. Nobody is safe for ever and life doesn't usually last as long as we wish it would and we all have so much to lose. How do we grab on to what we have? How do I not miss out on what ever time I have whether it be a day or fifty years. How do I make sure that I don't miss anything? How do I get back to feeling strong?
3 years ago