balance is tricky

Yesterday one of my dear ones gave me a well-deserved lecture. It was all about how I had too many balls in the air and didn't say no nearly often enough and that was why I run around with chipped fingernail polish and a frantic look in my eyes.  She was right, of course, but how do I really decide? I mean, it should be easy right? What's most important? I just don't want to give up some of the things that are not so important because, despite recent evidence to the contrary, they make me happy.

I started this post several days ago and since then I have made significant progress. Last night I went to bed and left an unfinished project on my sewing machine. That is a big step for me. Sure, I have had projects that took longer than a day before but I have never, ever gone to bed without reaching whatever point I had been planning to reach. This may have something to do with my sleep issues. But I did it and nothing really bad happened. I might be a little late with my sister's gift but I don't think she cares all that much. Only I do. Next year I have big plans to avoid all this over-the edge angst at the end of the year. Wait and see, I'll be amazing. In the meantime maybe I can find peace with my own lowered expectations.

paving the road to hell

Dear Neighbors,

I want you all to know how impressed I am by your tasteful Christmas light displays. They really are lovely. I also want you to know that last year, after seeing them all in their glory, I bought piles of outdoor lights at the after holiday sales with every intention of joining the crowd this year. I even bought the little clips Then, the weekend after thanksgiving was insane and I just didn't get to it. The week after that was really crazy too and this week, well this week it's 9 degrees outside. Plus, I will absolutely have to take them down on New Years' Day so they'd only be up for like three weeks. And that seems like a whole lot of work for three weeks. Yesterday I carried the bin of lights back to the basement, all still tidily in their boxes. Sorry. I had the best of intentions, I swear. Next year, for sure. Promise.

Love, Me

Obviously, this is not one of my neighbors tasteful displays but worth a look nonetheless. Wow.

worst. gift. ever.

Maybe I 'm a total grinch, but honestly. I drove past a cemetery this morning. They had a sign advertising holiday, pre-need specials. Seriously? I don't care how close to death I am, you had better not get me a cemetary plot for Christmas. There is just no way that's o.k.. None. Just don't get me anything. I would really prefer that if this is my only alternative.

                                   

fancy pants

To whichever one of my friends to whom I was recently extolling the virtues of the new Target brand diapers.

I made a mistake. We all know that there are many things that Target does well. Many. Diapers, as it turns out, are not one of them. I know I said otherwise, but it had only been two days and I was blinded by a low price and an abiding love of the red bullseye. We are a Pampers family. They have never, ever failed me. I was wrong to stray. Please don't let my poor judgement guide any of your future diaper purchases, I wouldn't want to wish all that extra laundry on anyone that I loved.

Love, Me

P.S. If you ever have to search for pictures of diapers on Google, be very careful. I don't understand why you would post a photo of the contents of your child's diaper on the internet, but apparently, people do.

oh, so toasty

Oh, how I love the UPS man. Guess what he brought me yesterday? The fancy new electric blanket that my delightful in-laws bought us for Christmas. They said we could open it early. Do you you have one of these? They are HEAVEN. I am not even exaggerating. My toes were warm almost immediately. Yum. All night long I was toasty warm, even though I refuse to turn the heat above 60 degrees at night. I know, you totally wish you had my in-laws. I'm off to my pre-heated bed. Yay.

on the verge of tears

I have mono. Again. Awesome. I totally have time for that. In December. But that is not what this post is about. It is about the fact that I have gotten all teary like ten times in the last two days. I cried at a playdate yesterday (sorry, Jo), while watching youtube this morning and while simply thinking to my self while sewing. I made myself cry. Could I be a bigger loser. I think not. I attribute this to the fatigue and irritated spleen that come along with my "condition". Did you know your spleen could make you cry? Me neither.

on the day- thankful

I thought and thought about what to write about today. The actual day when we are supposed to focus on the things for which we are most grateful. I don't even know where to start, there is just too much. Too much happiness, too many wonderful things, too many lessons learned from even the hardest of times. I couldn't pick just one thing when are so, so many

these- thankful

Because they bring my beloved in-laws to my house. The in-laws who love me as much as as they love their son (so they say), who think my children are brilliant and funny and who always do the dishes after dinner just to be nice. They can stay as long as they like.

why, yes, you are- thankful

Last night Ty was explaining the concept of superlatives to Tommy. You know, good, better, best, with best being the superlative. Tommy considered for a moment and said, "You know, Mom, I'm a superlative." I couldn't have said it better myself.

because i'm always cold- thankful

There will be three posts today to make up for my slacking over the weekend. I felt, and still feel rotten but that's no excuse. Whilst I was being ill this weekend I was enjoying the comforts of my new flannel sheets. I've never had them before. They are wonderful, so soft and most importantly of all warm. I am cold from about Halloween until my birthday (May 2) every year. Can't get warm no matter what I do. Warming up the bed takes forever when I get into it because I have no body heat to spread about, luckily Ty does or I don't know if I would ever sleep. The flannel warms me up in mere moments. Yay. If you are reading this and thinking to yourself, "Hmmm, I might need some of those...", I think they are still on sale at Target.

bubbles, bubbles everywhere- thankful

When we're feeling extra brave we fill the big tub in the master bath with bubbles and let the boys go at it. I have a fancy bubble bath that makes lots of bubbles and smells divine. Also, one side of the garden tub is just slanted enough to make a perfect slide. It's good that I took this picture at the beginning of the bath because only moments later all the bubble and most of the water was on the floor. Tommy even wiped up the floor all by himself when he was finished. And everyone went to bed smelling of lavender.

fair trade- thankful

Right this minute Brock, the son of my friend Kristin, is playing with my boys in the basement. Kristin is at a class she attends on Thursdays. We are trading. See, Kristin was trained as a massage therapist so when she returns she is going to work on my neck until my headache goes away. Heaven. I am a sucker for a massage. I wonder if we could make this an ongoing agreement? Arguably, I am getting the best end of the deal but maybe I could throw in homemade cookies or something...

for health and strength- thankful

My white blood cell count has been low for a while. They are doing lots of blood tests to find out why. For a while I was worried but I'm not anymore. See, the Doc already confirmed that I do not have leukemia or any of the other terrible things I found on the very helpful Mayo clinic website. I feel a little icky lately but that's it.What ever is causing these strange test results is minor. I am healthy.

I run lots of miles every week with no ill affects, my legs are strong and flexible, my lungs able to bear the strain, craving the challenge. My eyes see near and far with no aid at all. I hear clearly and distinctly. My skin is clear and unmarred by anything more serious than a faint wrinkle or freckle. I have had the amazing experience of both carrying and bearing two children with no incident. Every part of my body works perfectly and I usually take it for granted. I get all out of joint when I get a sinus infection or my glands are a little swollen. What a miracle that all these complex systems should work so well, that there should be no mistakes, no missing parts, no deficiencies. No terrible accident or illness has robbed me of any of these things. How did I get so lucky, so blessed? I am even more humbled when I see that same perfection in my little ones, terrified at the same time. I don't deserve it any more than anyone else does. Anymore than anyone deserves infertility, diseases, both mild and unimaginably awful, terrible accidents or small mistakes in a genetic code that change everything. Perhaps if I don't appreciate it, don't really make the most of it, it will taken away. Maybe someday something will happen that will change everything no matter what I do today. 

I don't want to waste it, don't want to miss out on it while I have the chance to really experience it all, just in case.

the road not taken- thankful

I am an actor. Maybe you don't this about me because I have been on hiatus lately. I'm working on that because I really miss it. I am actually pretty good. When Ty was in law school we spent a summer outside of L.A. for his internship. I was thrilled to be admitted into the relatively prestigious Playhouse West, a pretty famous acting school  (Jim Carrey trained there). I loved it. If you are serious about acting, L.A. is one of a few places that you can really make a living at it. At the end of the summer I met with Robert Carnegie. I told him if we got a job offer out of the internship then we would likely be back. He didn't think so. He told me that I was very talented but that L.A. was not a nice place to live or to eventually raise a family. He told me that he thought that, in the end, I would put those things first. He was right. When the offer came, I just couldn't picture us living there. I wanted more for myself and my future children. Instead we went to Wisconsin. I have to admit that since we made that choice my opportunities to act have been few and far between. An independent movie here, a commercial there and I admit I feel the lack but, I have loved the life we have built for our family so far in the places we have lived. Loved being home with them, loved living in places with blue skies and Christmas snow, savoring the short years before they are too big. I don't have any illusions about having made it, I would never have been a movie star, but I could have been a successful, working actor had we stayed there but we would have spent a lot more time on the freeway and a lot less time in the backyard. This upcoming year I will start auditioning again and doing little projects here and there and doing them really well. In the meantime I will be watching over the idyllic childhood I always dreamed about for my children with stars in my eyes.