Saturday, July 5, 2008

obsessed


I wasn't going to write this post today. I was going to wait until Wednesday, but I can't stop thinking about it. Two weeks ago I found a lump in my breast. I had one eight years ago as well. That one turned out to be a harmless fibroid and eventually went away all by itself. When I went to the doctor and eventually a surgeon to have that one tested I didn't really worry about it too much. It never occurred to me at the time that it could be anything really scary. After all, I was twenty-three years old and seemingly, invincible. This time should be even less scary having been through the process before. It's terrifying. Maybe I'm more dramatic than I used to be, maybe I let my imagination get carried away a little more due to high levels of exposure to small children, or maybe this time it's that I finally recognized my own fragility. Logically I understand that most likely this lump is the same kind of fibroid I had last time and therefore, nothing. I know that the chances of a woman of my age and health history gettin a cancer diagnosis are terribly unlikely. I know that my breast surgeon told me while performing my biopsy that she really didn't see anything she was worried about but that we needed to be sure. I sat in the exam room knowing that in that same room young, healthy women had received really awful news. Why shouldn't it be me? I take really good care of myself, I eat well, I exercise, I take vitamins and all those things make me feel like I have control over my health. None of those things make any difference in that office. I love my husband, my boys, my family, my friends, my body, my life. So much to lose. I have another appointment this Wednesday and I know my doctor will tell me it was nothing to worry about. She may even remove the lump just to be safe, but that's a minor office procedure nowadays. I know that this will be blip in the span of my life. I know that everything will be fine. I hope.

6 comments:

Reluctant Nomad said...

AUGH!! I've been there babe, I'm so sorry that you're worried. I'll be waiting to hear what the doc says on Wednesday.

Linn said...

I am so sorry Angie. I am so glad you wrote the post so we could be thinking about you and praying for you. I'm sure it is nothing, but I'm just sorry you have to go through this. Please let us know as soon as you can. Take care.

Carrie said...

I have been thinking about you and this situation since last Thursday. I will be holding my breathe until Wednesday and try to distract you until then.

erin said...

Angie, you are in my prayers.

Dena said...

Occasionally we are forcefully reminded how precious and precarious life is. Just take one moment at a time and take it for all it is worth. Love, Mom

Adri said...

Angie...so sorry I'm slow to read this, but please know I'll be praying for you tomorrow, too.