obsessed

I wasn't going to write this post today. I was going to wait until Wednesday, but I can't stop thinking about it. Two weeks ago I found a lump in my breast. I had one eight years ago as well. That one turned out to be a harmless fibroid and eventually went away all by itself. When I went to the doctor and eventually a surgeon to have that one tested I didn't really worry about it too much. It never occurred to me at the time that it could be anything really scary. After all, I was twenty-three years old and seemingly, invincible. This time should be even less scary having been through the process before. It's terrifying. Maybe I'm more dramatic than I used to be, maybe I let my imagination get carried away a little more due to high levels of exposure to small children, or maybe this time it's that I finally recognized my own fragility. Logically I understand that most likely this lump is the same kind of fibroid I had last time and therefore, nothing. I know that the chances of a woman of my age and health history gettin a cancer diagnosis are terribly unlikely. I know that my breast surgeon told me while performing my biopsy that she really didn't see anything she was worried about but that we needed to be sure. I sat in the exam room knowing that in that same room young, healthy women had received really awful news. Why shouldn't it be me? I take really good care of myself, I eat well, I exercise, I take vitamins and all those things make me feel like I have control over my health. None of those things make any difference in that office. I love my husband, my boys, my family, my friends, my body, my life. So much to lose. I have another appointment this Wednesday and I know my doctor will tell me it was nothing to worry about. She may even remove the lump just to be safe, but that's a minor office procedure nowadays. I know that this will be blip in the span of my life. I know that everything will be fine. I hope.