so that i may see

What follows is the epic tale of how I obtained a Tennessee drivers' license and of the pitfalls and lessons learned along the way.

It all began on a Sunday afternoon when, while driving home from church, I found myself bathed in sudden and unwelcome blue lights. The very polite officer informed me that one of my brake lights was out and asked to see my license. I handed him my Kansas license. I hadn't gotten around to driving to the DMV 40 minutes out of town yet to switch it out and, since it was valid until May, I wasn't too worried about it. He nicely informed me that since I legally only had 30 days to switch it over I needed to get on that and he wrote some stuff down which everyone knows means it's all official. Thus began my Journey.

Attempt #1- The state of Tennessee requires three proofs of name and four proofs of address. This is stated very clearly on their website so when Ty and I headed out that morning we had a substantial pile of paper with us. I had followed the list meticulously. Ty's paperwork was accepted without question, he looked into the eye machine, got his picture taken and Voila, he was licensed to drive in the Volunteer state. Turns out though, that if you are a woman who took her husband's name when you got married 15 years ago, your birth certificate doesn't count. Even when they have lots and lots of other pieces of paper that state your current legal name. Your out-of-state license doesn't work either. Only a marriage certificate or a passport (both easier to obtain than this license) will do. And so I left empty-handed and a little irritated.

Attempt #2- This time I was ready. The stack of paper was even larger, and though the clerk doubted the veracity of my car title he could not prove that is was anything but authentic. He grudgingly sent me to the eye machine lady. As soon as I looked into that machine, I knew something wasn't right. The whole bottom half of the machine was fuzzy. I told her I was concerned that it wasn't working properly, My concerns were summarily dismissed and I was again turned away, this time with the instruction that I had to get a note from my eye doctor stating that despite what the faulty machine said, I could see properly.

The Eye Doctor- I walked into my very first real eye appointment in about 20 years full of confidence. Full. When I'd had my eyes checked in high school, I'd had perfect vision, absolutely perfect. It was like my very own super power. Over the years I continued to be able to see stuff and so I didn't worry. I had taken lots of DMV eye tests and passed them all. I was confident that the eye doctor would be on my side in this whole debacle. I was again disappointed. Apparently having babies breaks your eyes and this is why I was spending all my time worrying about squint wrinkles. I also found out that I have a super rare  (.03% of women) form of color blindness (apparently blues and purples look just slightly different to me than they do to you) and so now I can't be a fighter pilot. I left with both glasses and contacts, sighing loudly all the way to the car.

Attempt #3- This time I approached the dreaded building with my heart in my throat. What if they turned me away again? What else could go wrong? What is my Kansas license expired and I still didn't have one in Tennessee? How could I look the eye lady in the face after insisting that her machine was broken when it clearly was not? Taking the eye exam again was excruciating. What if I still failed? Then what? It was possibly the most terrifying 2 minutes of my life. When they took my picture, I couldn't quite believe it was happening. Then, when they handed me the finished license, I just stood there, dumbfounded. Surely, this couldn't be all? But it was and once you have a license in Tennessee you just renew online. As long as I pay attention, I won't ever, ever have to go back to the DMV again.

And so the journey ends, the treasure finally acquired, I have lost some things (fighter pilot potential) and gained others (voting rights in my home state) and I find that I am simply grateful to be at the conclusion of this particular path.

pulling rabbits out of hats since 2004

This afternoon I was kind of like a superhero. For reals. I had 75 minutes. 75 minutes to accomplish a list of things so much longer than would fit. In that 75 minutes I accomplished the following: I got Tommy a new suit, 2 shirts, 2 ties, church socks and shoes, all while saving an additional 30%. I outfitted both boys for soccer including new shoes, new socks, shinguards and balls, all in two different sizes. I also stopped by the party store and procured a giant bunch of balloons (not pre-ordered) for Tommy's birthday tomorrow. I picked up the the piano book and was 5 minutes early to get Tommy from school. Not impressed yet? I did it all with my 5 year old in tow. Ta-da! Seriously. Ta. Da.

the thing about laundry

I have this plan. It's such a great plan. I want to do one load of laundry every day. Simple, no? I put it in when I first get up and then sometime during the day take the ten minutes to put it away. Voila! No more mountains of laundry that require me to download a full movie to the ipad to even consider being able to fold and put it all away. I am usually so good at this sort of plan. I never, NEVER go to bed with anything but a sparkling kitchen, and if I leave the house without beds made and dishes done in the morning something has gone horribly wrong with the routine and I will feel anxious about it all day.  Possibly this is not a 100% healthy attitude towards this whole thing but I figure everyone has their thing and mine is a very productive thing to have, so, raspberry. Anyhoo, it's seems like this whole laundry thing should be so easy to incorporate into my already sort of regimented schedule, and it is, for like two days and then it all falls apart. And now it's Friday and I have an enormous pile of clean laundry on my bedroom floor waiting for me to choose the appropriate movie. Next week for sure. I have a plan. For reals this time. Please feel free to ask me how I'm doing on this, because seriously, the amount of time I am spending thinking about it is just preposterous. Next week I will tell you all about how I have to get up waaay earlier and how hate that but I will do it anyway because I have this thing about laundry and beds and stuff. I also vacuum in straight lines but that's a whole other story.

what a difference a day makes

One year ago next week Ty came out to Memphis for his final interview for a job. It was a really exciting opportunity and we were thrilled when he got it. Thus began one of the most difficult years of our lives. He moved to Tennessee in September. We planned to follow shortly thereafter when our sold, but it didn't. And didn't, and didn't. After almost 7 months of living apart, of not being able to plan anything more than a few weeks in advance, of constant stomachaches and heartaches, we decided to move forward. We found a new home in two days, Ty did it without me. The kids and I moved in on April 1. They started school and I started trying to build our lives here, always with that unwanted tether to our old life. We finally closed on the Kansas house earlier this week. It sold for far less than we ever imagined and it will take us years to recover from the financial hit we've taken on this. That fact makes the closing bittersweet and I'm not quite used to the fact that this is finally over. But. I love it here. Our town is delightful, it has a lovely sense of community and an old fashioned town square that everyone adores. It's beautiful here, the flowers are vibrant and enormous, people are polite and thoughtful, my kids' schools are fantastic. This place is a perfect fit for us. Regardless of the cost, I would pay it again to be here now. I am so happy and so, so ready to be looking towards the future instead of the past.

lately i've noticed

Lately, I lay in bed in bed at night and think of things I want to blog about so it's probably time to start writing again. I also think about that stupid, dumb house I still own in Kansas, but then I try to think about other things because that is one problem I can't fix.

 I love my new house. Love, love, love it. I love the floor plan, I love the windows, I love the bird that lives in the crepe-myrtle outside my bedroom window that never (not ever) stops singing. I love the park out the back gate the Johnny is constantly disappearing to without permission. I love the mysterious woods and all intrigue that could be happening in there. I love (and agonize over) picking paint colors. I love that the neighborhood is so very quiet at night and I love how bright the stars are from the front yard. I love that feeling of nesting when you are putting together a new home. I love that I don't have to think about moving again anytime soon. I miss my friends. I miss having history and shared memories with people. I miss my children's friends and the tight bonds they have formed with children they have known as long as they can remember. I miss feeling confident about my life and circle and my direction. We are finding our way. We are making friends. We are painting walls and hanging pictures. Someday the to-do list will no longer be multiple pages and life will again slip by without us noticing, a blur of swim lessons, appointments, soccer games and homework. Now I notice all the days, for the happy and the sad, the easy and the hard, and the noticing is not a bad thing.

hurry up and wait

I have this picture saved on my phone. I look at it multiple times a day. Anytime my tummy gets that icky, 'this is all too much' feeling, I look at it. If all goes as planned (knocking on wood), in a little over three weeks my boys and I will move into this house just outside of Memphis and my husband will too. We will all live together in the same house (let alone the same city, state, etc.) It's not the perfect plan I had hoped for. We still own a house in Kansas, so that will be two houses, which is really more than I need but that can't possibly last forever (can it?!) and all this time in pieces of a family has started to feel like forever. So. We are moving on, without the closure I was hoping for, but with an eye towards pushing forwards anyway, with just a few strings attached. I have never actually been to this house. My dearest picked it out for me. He chose it for its giant front lawn, perfect for little boys who always want to run, for the big windows his light-craving wife requires, for all the space on the front porch for rocking chairs to watch the lightning bugs. Things are decided and it's time to go, except it's not. The mortgage is all arranged and the movers scheduled, the schools have been alerted and the paperwork is signed. My heart is aching as we start saying our goodbyes. And we are counting the days and planning a lovely spring.

one more reason I will never be considered a"homemaker"

(she is making DIY gasoline for her car just with the ingredients she has in her kitchen!)

O.K. So lately I've been spending way too much time trolling around on Pinterest, dreaming of my new house. I have come across a rather upsetting trend. Make-your-own-every-single-little-thing. I get it. I'm a SAHM. I spend way too much time and energy on valentines and halloween costumes and seasonal wreaths for my front door. Two years ago for Christmas, my girlfriend and I made all of our friends homemade lavender vanilla body scrub, with custom made labels. It was ridiculous. And I loved doing it. Heavens, last year I made my sisters wedding dress. Sometimes it's lovely to have it be special and unique and handmade by me.  I give all sorts of handmade gifts and my house if full of my DIY efforts. Maybe you are super worried about chemicals so you make all your own organic cleaning supplies. If that's why do it, awesome. I clean my mirrors with vinegar. Or if someone at your house has a terrible and very inconvenient allergy, I have deepest sympathy for you and totally support your efforts. But now all these people seem to be making things like homemade automatic shower cleaner. It's dish soap and vinegar mixed together, but the real stuff isn't all that expensive, works way better, and the dish soap is still chemically based. And laundry detergent. We're doing that now? Because I have to admit, I'm super happy with the Seventh Generation All Natural stuff that Amazon helpfully delivers automatically to my house. And really. I am so busy. To be fair it's because I insist on gym and yoga time and playdates and swim lessons and piano and soccer and just regular laundry and housecleaning and yard care and doctors appointments and playing on the computer and church and reading and lunch dates. Plus all the stuff I make because it's fun and makes me feel creative or because I can't find exactly what I want. I don't have time for there to be all these extra steps, home-making all these extra things that don't even give me a creative high. Don't we have enough guilt already? I totally do. My kids ate instant oatmeal for breakfast today (and everyday this week). Instant oatmeal, not steel-cut or organic, and by no means homemade! Gasp. I guess if I spent a really lot of time making all my cleaning supplies and pressing my own olive oil and making organic ketchup and mayonnaise from scratch in my kitchen maybe I would save a little money. But I bet not a lot and really I'm not all that picky about ketchup or automatic shower cleaner. It's like I don't even care at all.

when the circles are extra dark- thankful

Last year my sister-in-law Di turned me on to this magic eye concealer stuff. She needed it then because she had newborn twins and a 3-year-old. Normally I need it because I stay up late and get up early and I have pale, pale skin. I need it now because Johnny hit me in the eye with the shower door last night and left me with quite the shiner. Thanks to this stuff you can't even tell that my children are trying to kill me.

little monsters- thankful

Trick-or-treating, because there are not many things as fun as dressing up in a costume and getting free candy. Except perhaps watching my little ones do it.

i'm fine, thanks for asking

I have learned a few things since my husband moved out. Wanna hear about them? Great.

1. Much of the mess in my house apparently comes from my spouse. Much. Also laundry.
2. I do not like to go to bed alone. So I stay up waaaay to late.
3. It turns out that I really only cook dinner for my husband. My kids don't care.
4. 9.5 hours is along time to drive on a regular basis.
5. My cruise control is not working correctly. It gets 'tired' every thirty minutes or so and has to take a break.
6. Going to the gym during the daytime (as opposed to the wee hours of the morning) takes like half of my day.
7. Skype is kind of buggy.
8. I don't like this one bit but there are lots of worse things and we are o.k.
9. I am madly in love with that guy.
10. I wear mascara even when I will not see a single adult all day long. I cannot defend this.

achy-breaky

It's really only been five days. Not long at all. It feels like a jillion years. And a million miles. We have been apart before. It's not like he didn't travel for work of whatever. I was fine. I missed him, but time passed quickly and he came home. He's not coming home this time. I don't know how long he will be away, which is, I think, the very worst part. I know lots and lots of people have it worse, spouses that are gone forever or are in war zones. I feel guilty about my heartache. But it does ache. So I wander around my life listening to angsty music, wearing giant sunglasses to hide my eyes. I am busy, busy, busy hoping I will have less time to think, to miss what is gone, to worry. Turns out I am an excellent multi-tasker. I don't know how to make this better, how to be stronger. I see women do this all the time with grace and patience. I can't seem to. I don't want to be good at this.

hypocrite

Yesterday I took the kids to a sprayer park. While were were there, I was interviewed by a local news station about the importance of sunscreen. I dutifully talked about sunburns and cancer and re-application. I was every bit the responsible, careful modern parent. But really, I miss tan lines. I miss lying in the sun for hours and feeling it soak into your bones. I miss that just-a-little-bit- too-warm-feeling your skin has after spending a bit too long at the pool. Last week I bought some tinted moisturizer. I bought the lightest color they had, as always. Remember when you had to buy a different shade in the summer because your skin was a different color? Not anymore. Not at my house anyway. I don't even miss the color that much on my face, and there's that whole wrinkles thing. But I miss the color on my arms and legs. It looks like summer. Last Friday I went to the pool with a friend. I only put sunscreen on my face and neck. And then I baked in the sun. The slight sunburn I got as a result feels like heaven. But my practical little heart will have me right back on track next time I head out, re-applying every hour, as directed.

meet me in st. louis

We headed east with a friend of mine for little sightseeing (there isn't much of that in Wichita). We saw the Arch. We had to go through metal detectors. I found this concerning and reassuring all at the same time. You ride to the top in a little tiny car with window. The window has a view of the inside of the huge metal structure. If you are claustrophobic, I recommend skipping this attraction. We are not, so we got to look out the little windows at the top and see for a jillion miles across Missouri. Then we piled back into the little car to head down. Down is faster than up which my little daredevils found
thrilling. It is a huge, beautiful, amazing structure. While you are there you should also head over to City Museum a few blocks away. Best. childrens'-ish. museum. ever. You could literally spend days and days there and never find all the fun. We spent a day and now my children would like to replace the stairs in our home with wire cages for climbing between levels like they have. I said no, but they are still lobbying. It would give them something physical to do when it is 108 degrees outside...

lenting it all go

Technically, we don't celebrate Lent. But I want to, so I do, all by myself. I love the idea of a time of self- denial and improvement. A time to better one's self. And in the spring when I'm feeling all nest-y. It's perfect. For this year's informal Lent activities at my house I was inspired by my friend, Erin who had a great idea and my other friend, Linn who does this sort of thing all the time. Erin decided to purge her house, a bag a day for the forty days of Lent. I am slavishly copying this idea. I, of, course, got started late due to spring break vacations and such so my little project will be extending well into May. I am having so very much fun. I always think I am good at getting rid of things until I purge, and then I am appalled at the amount of sheer stuff that has piled up. It's a very first-world, lucky sort of problem to have. At any rate, I am quickly becoming a regular at Goodwill and Amvets, and every bag that goes away takes a little of the tension in my neck with it. Probably won't be able to stop at forty.

because the elves are no help at all

So, so busy!

Trees with faulty lights, presents that must be shipped, laundry, presents that must be made, cards to be mailed, addresses rediscovered, swimming lessons, etsy store to stock, tutoring, presents to order, laundry, custom skirt order, wedding dress (!), travel plans to make, company party, laundry, yoga, the house, basketball practice, presents to wrap, breakfast with Santa, laundry, crazy-hard training program for next marathon, vacuum, third ear tube surgery for the little one, homemade advent, dinner, make the beds, new nephews, playgroup and on and on and on.

See how the blog didn't even make the list? Soon my dears, soon.

the little magic box - thankful

I had no idea how much this little box would make me happy. I don't play the games. I'm just not really that interested. But this little box makes t.v.bearable. We got rid of cable and t.v. channels completely because we can download anything we want to watch through Netflix or Zune. On weekend mornings the boys slip downstairs and Tommy downloads something from the kids folder all by himself while the grown-ups keep sleeping. And Ty does play the games, he plays them with his beloved brothers who live all over the country and they talk and laugh and are together, even when they aren't. Who says electronics are driving humanity apart? This one brings us together.

the reason we were late for school this morning

Cookie Monster and his brother

Ironman

a.k.a this kid

had a lovely evening soliciting treats from friends, neighbors and strangers alike until late into the evening.

Hope you did too.

seasonal confusion

I'm old fashioned. In lots of ways. One of these ways is my feelings about clothes. For example I don't wear white after Labor Day (this rule only applies to things at below the waist e.g. skirts, shoes) and while the basics live in my closet year-round, I have two very distinctly seasonal wardobes. The off-season lives in the off-season closet in the basement and bringing up the new season's wardrobe is really quite a lovely way to spend an afternoon. This year the weather has really caused problems in my system. It's time to put away the summer stuff and start pulling out the boots, jeans and sweaters. For example, today it was 95 degrees. Not even I, with my freakish tolerance for heat can wear jeans and boots in that much sunshine. In an effort to dress for the weather regardless of the calendar, I pulled on a floaty white skirt. But I couldn't do it, it felt too frumpy.  All my summer stuff just feels inappropriate.  I changed into skinny capris and off we went.  I only have one pair of these. I cannot wear them every day. I just checked the forecast. Indian summer is forecasted to continue indefinitely. Despite two full closets, I feel like I have nothing to wear

* On a super happy note, my newest nephew, Ryker was born today! He is beautiful! Congrats to Cassi, Allan and big sister Chloe.

vacation bonanza- part one

Day 1- Everything you have ever heard about the Ozarks is true.

Today we drove 250-ish miles and it took a million years. For two reasons. #1- There is no direct route from Wichita, KS to Leasburg, MO only lots of tiny little two lane roads that require you to slow down to 25 mph as you drive through and #2- Ty drives like a little old lady when we are all in the car together because he loves us so much and gets all worried. Note to self- drive all the way to St. George and don't let Ty have any turns or it will take us three days to get there. It's really nice how much he loves us though, right? As we got into the Ozark region I started seeing things. Things that I thought were myths. I saw no fewer than 6 men/boys wearing overalls with nothing underneath them. Seriously. And there was possum on the menus and on the side of the road. Actual Possum. Apparently they make pies out of them. And- they have heard of computers and cell phones but they must not use them because the only place to find bars (you know, like cell phone bars, there are plenty of the other kind) is the interstate. But. There are miles and miles of oaks and hickories so thick you can't see anything else and shining lakes and long, wide, slow-moving rivers. And stars that go on forever. So I guess I can turn my phone off for a few days.

No, I didn't take this one but this is exactly what the entire area looks like.

Day 2- What we really need is a hole in the ground.

At our house we have a thing for caves. We grew up with Timpanogas and various unnamed caves throughout southern Utah. We have been to caves all over the States as well as in both Australia and New Zealand. The kids are just starting to learn about caves. Tommy did Timpanogas the last time I was in Utah and found it to be "great". These hills they call the Ozarks are riddled with the things. Today we went to Onondaga Cave. It's not a tourist cave. Just basic lights and a tour guide with a flashlight. It was amazing and the kids were completely enthralled. Mostly by the formations that look like ice cream cones but, hey, it's a start. The park ranger recommended we check out Marimac Springs in the afternoon. Both Ty and I have fond memories of Crystal Springs growing up, so off we went. A perfect clear spring that spreads into a river winding though parks and playgrounds and trout hatcheries. The boys fed the trout and we all soaked our hot feet in the frigid water.

Then back to our cabin for pizza from the grill, smokey campfires and giant marshmallows that never quite made it to be smores.

For grins like these I will walk a quarter of a mile to the nearest restroom.

Without even complaining hardly at all.

not enough hours in my day

I don't know abouut you folks but his whole school/fall/back-to-real-life thing has thrown me for a loop. All the sudden we are so very busy. I thought we were busy before, and we were, but a different kind of busy. It was playdates and zoos, waterparks and birthday parties before. Now it's school and soccer practice, swimming and doctors' visits. All of the sudden all our stuff is the kind of stuff that we really have to be to at a certain time. None of our usual wandering in whenever the little one wakes up from his nap or I finish my project or we feel like it.When they says school starts at 8, they actually want you to be there by 7:50. So we are, and then we rush around to piano lessons and swimming and whatever else we have that day. All extra-curriculars (e.g. grocery shopping, pre-schooler naps, laundry) must be smushed into the hours between when we drop Tommy off and when we pick him up. It's trickier than I expected. And by 8:30 p.m., I am exhausted. Which is good because I have to go to bed early so I can get up super-early to go to the gym and do it all over again tomorrow. I think that once we get into the groove of our new, much more rigid schedule we will probably really dig it. Right now I am sort of wishing I could find a time slot in which to slip a nap for Mommy.