this is why we can't have nice things

I am pretty careful with social media. I don't often post about religion or politics on facebook or twitter, very seldom do I even mention these things on my personal blog. They are private and personal things. I am happy to discuss them with you if you can play nice, but I don't really want to argue my position with some guy I only know because he was in my tenth grade geography class. He's not interested in why I believe what I do, he just wants to tell me I'm wrong whilst being condescending and that's a very different sort of discussion. I get it. We don't all agree on stuff. Any stuff. And sometimes, we feel really, really strongly about said stuff. I totally get that too. I'm right there with you. I feel really strongly about some stuff. What I don't understand is exactly when our society lost the ability to behave like adults. When did the fact that someone disagrees with you become a personal insult? When did it become acceptable to screech at each other like harpies on national television? When did being hateful and mean become an acceptable way to express your views? I don't understand what happened to civil discourse. Emphasis on the civil. I am embarrassed and appalled by the behavior of almost every single person who supposedly represents me, irregardless of political party. It has become the standard to be proud of the fact that everyone refuses to compromise on anything. Which means absolutely nothing ever gets done. None of us should be expecting to get our way all the time. That's not how democracy is supposed to work and it's why ours isn't working. We have to compromise to move forward. We have to give each other the benefit of the doubt, to assume that even when we disagree about the best way to do things, that what we all want is to create a safe, healthy, prosperous place full of opportunity for everyone. There is no perfect way forward, and we will stumble, but if we don't learn to work together we will stagnate and that, I would argue, is far, far worse.

the waiting game- doing it better

So, lately, we have been doing a lot of waiting. Not really all that patiently either. I have been pretty grouchy about the whole thing. We are still waiting, but it turns out that being irritated and crabby about it isn't helping at all. Instead I decided to make a list of things that will make me sad when they come to an end because you know when this other thing ends, I won't be sad. There are some other things in our lives that will break my heart a little when they come to an end.

1. Johnny's lack of the letter 'r'. "Mommy, I will be afwaid of the dawk fowevew." Every times he speaks it's super, super adorable. Every. Time.

2. Tommy's toothless grin. He lost his two front teeth several months ago and I sort of melt a little bit every time he grins at me. His grown-up teeth are finally coming in (and are enormous, our orthodontist will be thrilled) and soon he will have a mouth full of those giant things. Sigh.

3. My super clean house. When your house is on the market, there is no cheating. It's supposed to be shiny, shiny clean all the time. Right this second beds get made every single day, counters get wiped, mirrors de-smudged, every single day, no matter what. We're pretty clean most of the time and all those things happen most the time but I kind of love having an excuse to be super obsessive about it. Shiny, shiny clean makes me super happy.

4. I'm a gym rat. I really hate that Ty doesn't live here anymore. I hate, hate, hate it. It makes sleeping very tricky and lonesome. I do, however have lots of gym time because it turns out that that's how I deal with stress the very best. The more I workout, the better I cope. I think in real life, the number of hours a week I am spending at the gym might be hard to justify but right now, I'm living on endorphins.

5. Being the object of concern. Every week at church 25 people ask me in that very concerned voice, "How are you doing?" Friends and family call to check on us. People invite us to dinner and sleepovers. I hate feeling like a project and honestly we are doing just fine but it's lovely to feel like the people in our lives genuinely care about us.

See, we're pretty lucky, after all.

for all the wrong reasons- doing it better

You may remember the "doing it better" series from last January. It's all about not really making resolutions but just trying to be a little better at stuff that matters to me. So. Here goes.

I have become somewhat of a gym rat in the last several months. I am on a break from distance running (we had a fight because it didn't make me skinny, still not ready to forgive). I am sort of loving doing all these crazy hard classes every single day. I am loving getting in a yoga practice on most days. These things are also not making me skinny as far as I can tell. So I am no longer doing them to make me skinny. I am doing them because I love to wake up every morning, muscles aching a little from the previous day's workout. I love doing it a little faster or heavier than I did it the day before. I love that I went straight from crow to headstand yesterday without falling over. I love the rush of endorphins that is still humming through my body long after the workout. Skinny is different journey. This I am doing just because it feels fantastic.

faqs

1. Is your house sold? When are you moving? Etc, etc, etc.?
No, no it's not. Hopefully things will pick up now that the holidays are over. We're not yet sure what we will do if they don't and I sooooo don't want to talk about it anymore. It just makes me feel sad and stressed.

2. When are you going to start blogging again.? (ok, not that many asked this question but it's kind of the purpose of the post)
Why, today, of course. January has me feeling all fresh-start-y and bloggy.

3. Does this mean you'll be writing every day?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- No, I will not be any better at that then I have been in the past. Well, maybe a little better.


4. Since it's January, will you be doing your ever popular 'doing it better' series this year?
Yup, starting tomorrow-ish.

kicking a**- thankful

This morning in boot camp there were a few extras. They were unintentionally skinny college girls who were home for the holiday. It's not their fault, but I sort of hate them for being skinny with little or no effort. I hate my own 20-year-old self for the same reason. I am not particularly happy with what I see in the mirror or on the scale these days but this morning, I was stronger and faster than every one of those toothpicks. So there.

run lola run

First of all if you haven't seen this movie you should add it to your Netflix queue immediately. It should be required for cultural literacy and its absolutely great.

Onwards. You may remember I was training for this by following Hal Higdon's advanced training program. For a while all was so very well. It was tough but I was doing it. Then, one day I realized that I did not have enough weeks to actually complete the program. I was four weeks short. No problem, I thought to myself, I will cut out the rest weeks and adjust the tapering a little. Then I went to Utah to see my little nephew. I wasn't able to run much and lost five training days. When I got home, I promptly came down with a doozy of a sinus infection and so my running the last two weeks has been spotty and not up to snuff. Next week we have a family vacation, where I plan to run but who knows how that will work out. At this point my carefully orchestrated training plan has fallen all to bits. I still think I'll be fine. I probably won't be happy with my time, but there you go. Lately though, it's become work. I'm burned out. I dread long run days. They used to feel like a challenge to overcome and I loved them. Now they are just unpleasantness to power through. I have to run most days. I can't choose to do something else just to mix it up or alleviate boredom because it will throw off my training. I have to run a long run every single week or things get all out of whack. I need a break. After this race I am taking the rest of the season and perhaps the rest of the year off from marathons. I am going to spend a while focusing on 10Ks and halfs, on speed. I am going to finally lose this stupid 15 pounds that I swear is holding me to these slower times. I am going to sleep in sometimes. I will run long runs most weeks, but they will be 10s, not 20s and if I miss one I won't spend days worrying about how it will affect my training. I will run simply because I love to run, not because I insist on constantly having a looming deadline. I will find the joy and space and peace in the quiet and the wind and the rhythm of my feet. And in the fall, or maybe the next fall I will run another marathon, better prepared and without self imposed pressure to do it like others do it.  I'll just do it the best I can do it. And I bet it'll will be my best ever.

parenting 101

I know. I've been away for a while. I have very good excuses, but you don't really care and but it's time to get back on the horse.

 

 Today, we are going to talk about parenting. Are you super excited? Me, too. Lately our house has been a little more contentious than I am really O.K. with, yelling and crying , repeating ourselves over and over and over and that sort of thing. Ugh. I want need to be better at this. I am the grown-up in this house and I can control my anger and frustration like a grown-up. I can put the needs of my children before my petty irritations. I'm currently studying Real Love in Parenting by Greg Baer (as recommended by Julie) and I love the philosophy. I hate reading about the things I am doing wrong. I knew I was doing them wrong before but it hurts more when an expert reiterates it. But I don't want to waste their childhoods arguing with and nagging them. It's too short a time already before they go away and leave me to be grown-ups themselves. It's flying by so fast I can hardly catch my breathe. I want these years to happier ones, for all of us.

i have a new favorite

I've been thinking about holidays. It's sort of that time of year. Christmas was lovely. We stayed home and wore our jammies most of the day. But on the 26th I was so very, very finished with all the rig-a-ma-role that is Christmas these days. I took down every stitch of Christmas stuff (excepting the Christmas cards, because I really love christmas cards from all you dear people) and felt very relieved. New Years' is a horse of a different color. The prep work on my part involves coordinating with friends to find a party and booking a sitter. That's it. Then I go to a great party, for which I get to dress fancy, with people I adore. The next morning I sleep late and wake up to a clean slate and a fresh start. I get to spend this month evaluating my life and cleaning out closets. Maybe I'm a little nutty, but that feels like heaven to me. My heart of hearts feels all happy and snuggly at the thought of a new beginning and spotless linen closets. So. This month I will be posting about all the things I am trying to do better, you know, so I have to be accountable and all. I'm so very thrilled by the prospect.

critical mass

I have a friend (well more than one, but you know what I mean). M is a bit of an inspiration. She never misses a workout, she has no food issues and I can't remember ever hearing her say something negative about anyone. I need to be more like M. I'm pretty good about my friends, after all, they are pretty delightful. But. I have lots to say about strangers. You know, "bad blonde", "wearing such and such when people can see her", "can't believe she let her kid get away with that", and other judge-y, not-nice things. Ideally these poor, purloined ladies never know about my snarky comments. I would feel terrible if they did. I feel sort of terrible just sitting here writing this. I know better. I know all about the need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. So in an effort to practice what I preach, if I can't say something nice, I won't say anything at all. But I'll really try to think of something nice.

of mice and men

I had a plan. It wasn't complicated or tricky but it was a plan, a schedule of how I was going to work my life. I've reached a what was supposed to be a crossroads and despite my very best efforts things are not in order. I can't responsibly proceed with the plan and I'm so sad. I tried so hard to make everything perfect, to tick off all the boxes and yet nothing is right. There has been no great derailing, just a severe lack of progress on so many fronts. It shouldn't matter whether it's now or later or even never. But. It does and I'm so incredibly disappointed. And for that I feel guilty, because I am so greatly blessed. And so very sad.

kindred spirits

Besides too many design blogs, I have also been reading the Anne of Green Gables (all seven of them) series again. When you are little sick of twitter and facebook and cell phones and always being available, these are perfect. Have you read them? I love Anne. Love her. She's lovely and makes me very happy. My favorites these days are the ones that cover her life from when she gets married through the raising of her children. I love how she finds beauty and joy all around her and I love that people know her by those traits, that she is known by others for her eternally good attitude. I love that hard things happen to her but that she finds her way through and that she doesn't let the awful things color the rest of her life. I love the Victorian housewives and how they all judge their own and others worth by their formidable house keeping skills. They are always peeking in one another's drawers and cabinets and gossiping about the quality of their preserves. Delightful. Everything came down to home and family. Also, Lucy Maude Montgomery lovingly describes each and every dress and hairstyle which I completely appreciate because really, it's all very picturesque. And calm and peaceful, which is just what I've been needing.

pretty boys

More than once, I have had women stop me on the street to tell me that my children should be models. Yes, they are tow-headed and blue-eyed but, quite frankly, I think this has more to due with the fact that they grin and flirt with every single person who deigns to glance at them than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I think that they are preposterously cute, but we all feel that way about our offspring. It's the sly grins, the sideways tilt of the head, the blowing of kisses that really win people over, not the genetics.

Last May I got a fancy new camera for my birthday. The updated version of the one I have been pining for since I worked at a camera store my freshman year of college. You may have noticed the improved quality of my photos. I take a lot of pictures. Unfortunately most of those pictures are of aprons and capes and bibs and other things for my little etsy shop. Not nearly so many of the most photographable subjects in my house. I get busy and it seems like a lot of trouble to get the camera off the shelf for every little thing. Except that six months from now they will be doing different little things and I will have missed the window to catch that one. Without digital evidence there is a really good chance that I will forget many of the things all together. Quel dommage!

So- I have moved the camera to a lower shelf and I plan to waste a little more time messing around with it. They can be models for me. Models of what boyhood looked like during the 2010s in our house. I have no intention of becoming a professional like several of you are. But. I will become better at taking pictures of these two monkeys than anyone else could be. I will be the Annie Leibowitz (didn't even have to look that up!) of my little demesne. That way I won't forget because it's all a little too wonderful to forget.

#10- Take more pictures of my little family and the life we are living.

(he wouldn't put the sandwich down-I tried)

those things can take off a finger if you aren't careful

Yesterday I was snappish. Very snappish. When I am snappish I have no patience. None. Not for anything or body. I snapped at my poor children bunches of times. I hate it when this happens. I feel guilty forever.

They can't help it. They are 5 and 2. That's just how 5 and 2-year-olds act sometimes. Developmentally appropriate and all that.

I want to blame it on PMS but I have a Mirena and I don't really have any sort of recognizable cycle anymore so I don't know if that's valid. Plus it scares me a little to think it could affect me that much. But I can't think of any other reason for me to have acted so badly.

 I have a vague idea of just how blessed I am to have two healthy, happy little boys. I know many who have to fight a lot harder than I do for their babies and some never get them at all. Some little ones get sick or hurt and sometimes they die. I can't even imagine. I bet the parents of those kids look at me when I am ungrateful and feel a bit resentful. They should. They're right. How dare I feel grouchy about my almost perfect life, my completely perfect babies? So, this morning I prayed for patience but I also prayed to be more grateful  and I prayed that I wouldn't miss the important stuff by wasting my time on a bad attitude. And snapping.

P.S. I also snapped at my beloved but he just ignored me and didn't seem bothered in the least.

Photo from here.

just keep swimming

I keep having all these great ideas for posts when I am not at the computer. I, of course, do not write them down and thus, when I return to said computer can think of nothing to write. Sigh. There are things I want to write about but am not allowed to, things that I could write about but that would be so boring to read that my few readers would delete this link in disgust or I could complain about some interesting customer service I've had lately or the stupid January weather but I am not offended enough by wither to bother. That means you are stuck with the following ramblings. I hope they don't drive you away.

I'm feeling a little obsessed lately with the idea of starting over. I don't think I ever recognized how often we do it, both in big ways and small. New years, new challenges, new goals, new seasons, new babies, new lessons, new hardships, new joys. This idea of beginning again must matter. It must be essential to our humanity and to our continued progression, right? Because this time we will get it right, we will do it better, closer to the goal. Even it's just a little closer. So here's my epiphany;

It's never too late.

Never, as long as we are breathing.

I am overwhelmed by the hopefulness of this thought.

And so very grateful.

#8-(sort of unrelated) Take self portraits to find peace with my body, enjoy my youth and health while I have it and to know myself better.
#9 Carry around a notebook to jot down ideas for writing and anything else that I don't want to forget.

all the things that bloom in january

You may have noticed that my posting of resolutions has slowed.

Mmm-hmm. That's because I haven't finished those others yet. Or even gotten to where I'm totally consistent. For example, I had forgotten how really early in the morning 5:30 is and apparently I can turn off my alarm clock without actually becoming conscious. I have only scratched the surface when it comes to my organize /purge initiative,  but the linen closet is truly lovely. I am still tweaking a schedule that gives me time to work on my business every day and still lets me get everything else done.

This is my least favorite part of resolutions. They aren't instant. All the awesome changes I have decided upon take quite a little while to really implement. I realize that it's only 3 weeks into the new year but honestly, I was hoping to be a little farther along by now. Ah, bah. Baby steps, I suppose.

On the bright side, my Amaryllis is blooming like crazy. And last night I dreamt of peonies (the flower dreams are getting a little out of hand, but hey that means flower pics two days in a row).

#7-Stay the course and be patient

best of both worlds

Yesterday the view out my windows looked like this:

The view inside looked like this:

Can't really complain about either. Wow.

#6-Appreciate the beauty everywhere around me.

avoiding the crowd

There were a million people at my gym at 9:00 this morning. I'm only slightly exaggerating. I realize that I am a gym snob but I honestly believe that if you can't be bothered to come in December, then you aren't allowed in January. Most of these people will have fallen off the wagon by next month and in the meantime they are taking up all the towels and prime parking spaces. Luckily most days I go at 5:30 AM.  At least, that's the plan. You see, I find that this discourages the faint of heart and I don't have to park at Home Depot to go running. Also, my whole day just goes better. I am dressed and ready and exercised before children are up. We have pretty good shot at making it to school on time with beds made. If I get up. I have done this before and once I get going, I always love it. I love how I feel all day after having already worked out, I love being ready for the day for good before I do anything else, I love feeling a tiny bit smug (only to myself) when I see someone at pick-up in work-out gear. I love having time during the day to keep up on my house and sometimes even my business. I love not spending the day trying to figure out when I am going to fit it in. I just don't love getting out of bed. Not ever really but certainly not before the sun. But I always come back to this schedule and the order it brings to my life because that's what I really crave. So, I am off to bed early this evening once again because tomorrow will be an early, orderly, productive day.

#5 Re-commit to my early morning training regimen because we all know it works best.

oh, how I will miss you

On New Years' Eve we went out with some of our favorite friends (see pics here). The next morning, as we sat around the breakfast table in the hotel, I declared the Diet Coke sitting in front of me to be the last one. I am dropping soda. It's not good  for me, it's bad for my teeth (even without sugar), it does bad things to your insulin levels and it contributes to my not drinking enough water. No more, I say! Except that I got home and realized that I had not finished up the last case I bought. I am sticking to my guns but you can't really expect me to refrain with the stuff ice cold and ready to go in my very own house! I am down to about 6 cans. When they are gone, there is no more and I am sure it will be great and I will be so much more healthy and blah, blah, blah. Sigh, I will miss you my friend.

#3 No more soda! (and by that I mean NONE)

nature versus nurture in real life

I am typing this on a brand new, shiny keyboard, direct from the factory. This is the third keyboard that has lived on this particular laptop. It's almost three years old. This is why I bought a new one.

 Had I been blogging 2 and a half years ago this is where I would put the link to the post about the time that Tommy did this to my new laptop. This time it was Johnny.  What ever extra naughty thing Tommy did 3 years ago, that no one has mentioned in years, that the perpetrator doesn't even remember, Johnny then repeats in his turn. Aack! How is he figuring things out? If one of you is informing him, there will be words. How is this sort of behavior genetic?  How, I ask you? I mean, it happens all the time. At any rate, now you know why my last several posts have been lackluster, it takes forever to blog with half a keyboard. Perhaps it was a ploy for my attention? Which brings me to my next "better":

#2-Spend less time playing around on the computer and more time playing around in real life (this will not affect my blogging, don't you worry)

tabula rasa

On December 26, I took down every single Christmas decoration. Just a month ago I was super thrilled to pull them all out of their bins and deck the halls. By the time the day finally rolled around, I was over it. My distinct lack of planning made for a rather stressful month. We had a lovely day together but by the next morning, I was finished. I didn't feel that urge to extend the season. Not this year. I am ready for the new year, ready for a new start, a clean slate. I want to purge every closet and cupboard. I want to re-evaluate my goals and adjust accordingly. This year I am getting it together for sure. Because we all know I love a theme I'm going to post many of my "stuff I want to do better" (I don't do resolutions). Supposedly, you are more likely to be successful at goals if you write them down and tell other people about them. Ta-da! Thanks to you lovely people, I can do both. Feel free to pass along your advice should it apply.

#1- Eat less sugar and more vegetables because then I will be heathier and skinnier and I won't get cavities..