my enemy, my friend

I have issues with food. You see, I reallly like most of it (red meat is disgusting, but otherwise, yum). I like to cook, bake, and eat it. My metabolism is not o.k. with this sort of behavior. Apparently it's all sorts of lazy, so I diet. When I diet, I am serious about it. I am a nut, and then I slip, because that's what you do after a while on insanely strict diets. And all I want to eat are white, homemade rolls with mounds of melting butter and chocolate. And so I do. I can't seem to find the middle ground. You know, where you are just super aware of what you eat and occasionally, have a small treat. My all-or-none attitude apparently extends even to my eating habits. I want to view food as fuel for my healthy, strong body. Even as an experience, occasionally, but never, ever as comfort or security. I know that I am better than most. I rarely buy processed food (except chocolate) and I cook from scratch most days. We eat fruits and vegetables and take vitamins every day. But sometimes I wish I didn't have to count every single calorie that I even thought about eating. I wish 10 hours a week at the gym was enough. I wish I had a violent allergy to all white food. Perhaps, I'll try that twinkie diet. I could probably stick to that one.